Trial and Error II

Last night was a blast,
that is why i had to break it fast
because i know in my little world, it won't last
and last night then, became the past.

Everyone seems to be down
so they ordered and they frowned
twisted the sub zeroed cap around
freedom for the bottled up clown.

It had to be taken out
I had to fake a smile for a pout
because it's something to think of, about
so i hate to, hate to--shut my mouth.

Got under my skin,
soon the face plastered a funny grin,
was it a funny smirk telling, almost everything
- and everyone what you wished could have been?

TORPE - PETA (Walang Himala)

Short but sweet. Catchy tune ;)

Trial And Error

You start with something trivial until its meaning evolves.
Then you try to start over again, trying to define the meaning.

Trying to be deep yet you ended up being senseless.

You lose your grip, you lose your touch.
Until you thought you lose the drive.

If it was a gift,
You wonder how easily it was taken away.

No one took it.
That is why, it's at loss.

I don't think I just say
And like sob slicing thru my heart,

It grows heavier
It digs deeper
But there was none
I wonder..

So you began to say
And yet you stopped
Such a fray, hey, such a fray

You knew how to play
this game.

You chose to lose,
The grip, the touch, the thought...


Senseless but all rushing thru,
Gushing out of the sobbed-sliced heart

Teary,
Something has started.

Then you suddenly stopped.

Fidite Nominem

What I used to get for free, now, I have to pay for. Well, such is life.

Decades ago, I would always get a back rub from my Nanay. If I was hyperactive during the day, I would often get a back massage sometimes with 'baby oil' and sometimes with the ever so famous, lola-reminiscent green/menthol oil. But now, Nanay is the one who needs the massaging and foot rubbing. And when I need to eliminate the stress, toxins or whatever within, it would be heartless of me to ask her to rub my back even for a few seconds. Because, tables have been turned now.

So we need to spend a little or a lot for the things that were free or cheap before.

And sometimes, we need to work hard for the things we used to give freely. Such is life. Just like me, who is so trusting. I may falter at times with my own pact, such is life. Such is fate. But I guess, it's time to trust no one. Or trust only those who think.

Presently, we pay the price for the things we used to know are no big of a deal. The thing is, some people need to grow up and move on from their past.

Their fists are so clenched because of anticipation. Waiting for something micro, that they tend to fore go with their own business.

Because, no matter how ugly the present is, it could be because of the past or the desperate wanting of a bright future, things have their own way of fixing what was broken by these losers.

I am not the one who shuts up--before. Every time I open my mind and speak my mouth...hold on, I have to think first before I go with that thought. Losers are not for free. And no one's buying their crap.

** This weekend, I just had one of the best massages ever. It was great even if my face was covered with a white ghost-inspired mask. This thought dawned upon me while I was being pampered. Everything has its own price.

Dear Food Aversion, I'm Almost 100% Over You

One cloudy Saturday, I decided to try pork wanton with pandan rice at Paotsin. I also agreed to down it with BukoJuice, a beverage I rarely drink. The next day, I wanted to eat at Paotsin again, but this time, I asked my boyfriend to choose something different, that tastes better when fried. Steamed siopao is one of the few steamed dishes I do trust-I have this feeling that anything immersed in heat and cold, is almost germ and bacteria free. Well, good luck to the Salmonella-harboring sunny side up egg of one fast food chain...

The other week, I also chose white sauce for my Ziti and white cheese pizza. And, although I was craving for a sour taste because of something hormonal, the white creamy sauce and cheese, did not disappoint me.

I then discovered, stepping out of my food comfort zone. I always order the same meal, the same dessert and even the same drink-coffee or water. Just that. I was boring myself, whereas I have this growing infatuation with food. Contrary to stereotyping horizontally challenged people as food lovers, I, a skinny wide eyed girl, loves food.

Although, there are times I get to be a very picky eater. I don't eat ginataang langka, I rarely eat pineapple and drink pineapple juice especially when I am not sure if I'm hungry, I occasionally eat ube, clams and crabs and I only eat boneless fish (well, milk fish), tuna, or fish with big bones.

This all started with my almost sheltered but not so childhood.My older sister and I had yayas telling us myths or facts such as local monsters and dwarfs and my mother too, had given me this fear of eating and drinking food and beverages when I am hungry.

Exhibit A: After the June 1990 quake, Lola , me and my sister had a snack, well to relieve us of the 'tension' of the said disaster, Lola had us drink a soda. I drank it like a tequila shot minus the salt and lemon. I decided not to finish my sandwich. I felt my tummy ached. My mother, upon learning of what I've done, made me eat rice with tinola soup and drink hot Milo. She told me I had to fart three times or else I'll vomit and die!

Just imagine how scared I must have felt at that time, an 8 year old kid, dying because she drank a soda with an empty stomach...I was supposed to be a teacher, or a nun or a writer.

I keep asking my mother what if I didn't fart and I vomited? Her eyes grew big and she said, "Don't think about that too much, finish your Milo!"

So I did and I think, I really forced myself to let out a couple of gas.

Exhibit B: After that, my mother enumerated the food and drinks I shouldn't dare eat and drink when my tummy's empty.

Sigh, kids are gullible. That is why, for almost five years, after that incident, I asked people, "Is it ok to eat this when you're hungry?" To which they would almost always reply, "Why, are you?" To which I would then say (hold on), "I don't know. I'm not sure. Am I hungry?"

FTW?!

So there I sit, enjoying Buko Juice, making sure I am stuffed in Paotsin. Their rice, aside from being tasty (it's pandan rice for those late-bloomers/good-food-discoverers like me) was enough to make me feel full.

Mother, I have conquered my fear...almost. Next conquest, is to eat this pineapple chunks while sipping my Margarita I mean, pineapple juice.

Dear Time

Hootie and the Blowfish once crooned,"Time, why you punish me?" I guess, because, time is gold(en).

Is that the reason why some people are toying with the idea of controlling it?

I chanced upon "Flash Forward" during my usual channel surfing. Learning the plot from its trailer, it's a wonder how;

1. time will stop for 2minutes and 17 seconds
2. people will get a glimpse of their future

They call these glimpses as "flashes"(Flashback, warm nights--I just remembered Cyndi Lauper). Either you had a good future or bad. For some who didn't get any, just like the character played by John Cho (playing Agent Demetri Noh), their fate was death in the following months.

I'm not much a follower as I always fall asleep at certain episodes-the marathon was being shown during my 'bedtime' at Fox. The last episode I watched was when Dylan (an injured kid in the series, sorry, don't know his real name), confuses reality with his flash and goes straight to the house of the Benfords, repeatedly saying; "My house too."

It's perplexing to see your present as your past, that is how I interpreted that scene. It could be one of the reasons for the perpetrators of the tim-freezing and flashes, if that is one of their agendas- to control what would be "the present" months from now.

If I could do it the other way around, create a time-freeze moment BUT have everything go back, six months from now...will it make a difference, six months after? Maybe, knowing my often regretful-self. Realizing something significant after a few moments or even days...ok, even months.

I would have started a different approach, long-termplanning,an earlier weeding of the garden, a better decision by taking a big risk, changing the silence, etc? Or I could just appreciate what is "now" and move forward. Grow some cells for the brain.

No matter how cliche it may sound, time is really gold. You can't get it back. Maybe,thru some works of fiction ...so, let me grab my gardening tools, the zombies are about to eat my brains. I need more peashooters.

The Planner

Let's say that I have friend, and she had been planning her wedding for twenty-seven years already...

From the vows, to the place, the people, the theme-up to the smallest details....dress, flowers, the song...Her eyes are twinkling as she describes how everyone marches before her. And she knows by heart the lyrics of the song she had marked as her wedding march. She had memorized it, the day she first heard it.

She could just feel how her groom would look at her, would she be so old by then? She smiled as she imagine his fingers intertwining with hers as he sashays her towards the steeple wherein they would exchange their vows and commitment. It would have to be...amor, fides, respectus. Or something close to it, that would definitely bring everyone to tears...

Let's say, she even knows what to do after the wedding vows, she said...she would dance, with one hand waving free. Because, she has long said goodbye to too-much sadness. And when she throws the gerbera daisies, she knows whose hands will grab it. She could just hear their girlish giggles...


It may rain or not, but she doesn't mind, as long as it is simple and complete.

It doesn't matter if she gets sand in her eyes, or the groom sneezes because she sprayed too much of the Dolce and Gabbana Light Blue....It could be sunset or it could be sunrise. As long as the families are there. The friends are there...and the groom will be there...

Nah, my friend and her silly girlish thoughts. Why can't she be like me? I don't make plans...too much.